day ten…. the sadness

lately i have felt an emptiness.  i have felt lonely and disconnected.  what on earth am i missing?  i had mentioned to my s.i.l. on monday that i felt that i am lacking friendships.  but when i think about it i wouldn’t choose hanging out with a friend over my family (regardless of what kind of car they were driving : ) )

i wondered if michael and i have been drifting apart and maybe i have been in denial about it (as i have before).  but it isn’t that.  i thought maybe i might still be going through my separation issues about both boys being in school and me not knowing my role.  but it isn’t that either.

i considered that maybe my loneliness was more of an overwhelmedness  due to suddenly having so many obligations.  but ultimately i have just been confused.

until today

for whatever reason way fm was playing one of their same ol’ songs and i heard myself singing “there’s a God shaped hole in all of us“.  it hit me.  i know God has to be like “DUH”.  but sometimes the most obvious things are the hardest to see.

i believe that the hole in that song has to be filled with more than just a one on one relationship with God and your bible.  i (as much as i understand why non-christians have a problem with “organized religion” but mostly i think they are just scared of being involved in something imperfect or being proven wrong) think the church is a large factor in filling that hole.  i believe the church is one of the biggest factors in staying on track and being held accountable.

the problem is that despite my relationship status with God being good right now, the church thing is a different story.  this is so complex in my head right now that i don’t even want to finish this post.  i just keep feeling pushed away.  more and more and more.   and i don’t know why.  i don’t want to go back.  i don’t want to give it another try, i just want to find a new church.  and is the devil pulling me away or is God pushing me somewhere else?  i have this mommy guilt because my kids haven’t been to church in a month.  plus, jonah isn’t with me every other weekend.  if i go to a different church then he will go to a different church every week.  how does a child get plugged in like that?

i can’t explain what has led me here.  i really don’t understand it.  and i ache to be in church.  a new one.

 

day nine…. HOME

home is not where you live but where they understand you.

-christian morgenstern

i looked up the word home on dictionary dot com and found that it can be used as several different parts of speech and due to that, has 31 meanings.

the first definition is probably what most of us actually associate the word with.  a house, apartment, or other shelter that is the usual residence of a person, family, or household.  wouldn’t you agree.  in most cases, if you say “i’m going home” you mean that you are going to the “house” where your bills find you.  the address on your driver’s license.

but when i started thinking about what home means to me, my address had nothing to do with it.  i remember when i was pregnant with jonah, saying
“i am moving back home with my parents”.  i don’t think now that i ever thought there would be a day when my parents house would no longer be my home.

home is not my country or my state.  and although when i am “going home” it is always to the same address, my home isn’t a place.  it’s the people waiting for me there.  the people that (despite any mid-life crisis and need for friendships… haha) i choose first.  the ones that i would rather be with over anyone else.

the teeth aren’t always straight.  the pictures are often blurry.  the dog smells a little.  heck, the boys even smell a little.  the food isn’t always great.  and the laundry is rarely done.  but there is ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS love.  and that, right there in the middle of it, that is home.

to read about several other perspectves on “home”  check here

 

day seven

it was whiskey.  really strong whiskey actually.  that we got from michael’s brother on our wedding day.  it has been sitting in the back of the pantry for six years because it is the strongest crap made and you could mix it with turpentine and it would still taste too strong.  but last night i was thankful for it.  very.  i don’t know how it works exactly.  i think the alcohol numbs the gums and possibly the nerve endings.  i didn’t drink it.  i just swished two shots, one at a time, for as long as i could stand.  every nerve and taste bud lit up like the fourth of july.  maybe my tooth didn’t stop hurting, i just couldn’t think about it anymore!  anyway, if your tooth hurts head for the bar.

today

both boys played their last game of the season and got trophies!

we scouted for food at sam’s.  (food drive for local food banks)

we ate lunch at sam’s for 11 bucks.  (not healthy, but cost efficient)

the four of us played tackle football in the front yard.

jonah got his first black eye.   (way to go dad!)

we watched ice age : dawn of the dinosaurs.

and now they are all asleep and i’m gonna go watch my long over due dvr’d project runway!!!!  g’nite!

 

day six (the real one) oh my achin’ tooth

my tooth is killing me.  KILLING me.  so i just made a list of like ten thousand home remedies and i’m gonna go try them.   i’ll let you know what works!

wish me luck!

 

day five…. brought to you by our sponsors here at day six!

well, as you may have noticed it is November sixth, not the fifth.  i like to post at night that way, if i am uninspired, i can just write about my day.  last night i was just not feeling well.   i didn’t want to eat.  i didn’t want to talk.   i just wanted to go to sleep.  and i did.  it screwed up my night.  thursday night is Flash Forward night.  michael watched it and i didn’t.  when he went to bed he said “at least you have something to look forward to tomorrow”.   oh, he is so wrong.  because of not feeling well and needing my sleep, i overslept this morning.  not enough to make the boys late to school, but enough that i didn’t have time to pack lunches.  which means that i have to go back to school before 1030 to take lunches to the hungry little boys.  so that alone is enough to screw up my day.  and now i have to watch FF too.  in all honesty, all i really want to do is  sleep.    and i have to double post today to make up for not doing it last night….. geez, isn’t friday supposed to be the good day?

 

day four…. toys, toys and more toys

i took the boys to toys r us today to let them pick out toys for Christmas.  i thought we could go find some key things to write in our letters to Santa.  they want lego star wars, lego indiana jones, a titans helmet, nerf everything, sorry sliders, battleship, star wars monopoly, every other board game, the 99.00 construction devastator  (that’s a transformer),  a nintendo ds (each), every ds game, an xbox 360, ds armor, a rc race track, and some books.

i think instead of writing letters, this year we’ll just pick up a copy of the TRU big book, pull out all of the pink pages, and mail it straight to Santa.  yeah, that should cover it.

by the way… anybody know where i can get a low or no interest loan?  heehee!

 

day three…. the library

typically when it is time to get a new book here at the BRATton house, we go to the book store.  we browse.  we skim.  we drink coffee (and hot chocolate).  we spend a fortune.  we leave happy.

however, jonah has been begging me to take him to the library downtown for like three weeks.  i must admit that we have never been there.  i have come up with ten thousand reasons not to go and this morning i realized that i was being a sucky mom by keeping my children from the wonderful world of borrowed books.

okay so i really DID think that, but now i’m all like “maybe we should just buy the books”.   i was completely dumbfounded when we got there.  yeah that’s right.  the 28-year-old doesn’t know how to use the freakin library.  had we been at home i could have googled it, bought it and had it shipped directly to my home.  but stick me in the middle of the library and i start to drool a bit.  (not the i just ran into the cute guy from glee and he sang “bust a move” kind of drool, the rain man kind.) jonah wanted to read Captain Underpants.  who’s idea was it to not put the books in alphabetical order?   anyone can figure abc order out.  so then i’m all like (in a very serious tone) “jonah, do you know who writes the C.U. books?”  of course he did.  luckily we found it and were able to move on.  next is nate…  ”what kind of book do you want?”  ”mmmm, i want a chapter book!” nathan can’t read.  ”okay, what kind of chapter book?”  ”pokemon!”    great,  i have no idea where that’s gonna be.  i’m lookin all around for a computer or a guy named dewey.  all i see is kids.  kids on computers.  kids reading books.  one kid even came up to me and told me something about signing the boys up for something….???  yeah, not sure about that.  finally found a computer and a pokemon book.

did you know that pokemon is short for pocket monsters?  also, in  1997 the 38th episode featured an attack on pikachu that caused 600 children to be rushed to hospitals because of vomiting and convulsions?  and 12,000 children reported feeling sick.  and if that wasn’t bad enough, the news aired the clip in their evening broadcast and caused many other children to get sick as well.  genius!  - got this from the non-chapter pokemon book Satoshi Tajiri Pokemon Creator-

okay so the good part is that we decided to start a series that i can read to them.  the first book is called The Name of This Book is Secret by Pseudonymous Bosch.  we started it tonight and jonah is quite intrigued by it. nate, not so much but i think that will change.  i, like jones, am loving it so far.  we’ll see how it turns out.

So, we survived our trip to the library and we now have a library card.  and the boys were both happy.  and we have a book to read together.  and i didn’t slip on my drool!

library= success

 

day two… in a bunk funk

about a month ago we moved the boys into the same bedroom.  Their playroom has been upstairs since we moved here (in ’04) but it was rarely used because they don’t like being so far away from us.  they were constantly dragging toys downstairs which drove me crazy.  we decided to make nate’s room the playroom/office and make the playroom a guest room (otherwise known as wasted space).  i did a bit of redecorating in all of the rooms but didn’t spend much money because we weren’t 100% sure how the room sharing would work out.  now that we know it is working and that they LOVE it, i have started looking into bunk beds!  did you know that bunk beds cost a friggin’  fortune.

for instance….

this one priced at a not so reasonable $1599.00.

or this one for $1799.00 – $2345.00 (and that’s on sale).

and i went to see this one today for $999.99.

the truth is that i can’t afford any of them.  and i don’t think i would buy them if i could.   don’t get me wrong, i love them.   particularly the one in the middle because it seems the sturdiest.   i could take my kids to disney world for that.

so what will i do?  i’m not sure just yet.  i am still looking for options and watching craigslist.  i have two twin beds that i can sell to help pay for a little of it but not much.  hmmmmm…..

 

day one

michael had to cancel his trip to tulsa.   he was supposed to leave today and not return until tuesday evening but one of his big jobs just announced that their deadline for completion is november 12.   so, he stayed here and is rescheduling his trip.  the good thing about it is that well #1 he’s home and i’m not alone, and #2 i got to go to work with him today.  that sounded a bit child-like didn’t it?  regardless, that is one of my favorite things to do.   the site is at a new school and they are fencing the football, baseball and soccer fields, as well as a perimeter fence around the entire property.  because of the rain that we just can’t get enough of around here, the fields are nothing but muddy swamps.  michael and i had to walk the property to see if it was ready to start the job.  it wasn’t.  our boots were covered in mud.  i swear i grew four or five inches out there (plus i lost about eight pounds carrying that twenty pounds of mud around for an hour).  and i nearly fell once or twice.  that would have made it a little less fun.  but even covered in mud and ruined jeans, i still loved every minute of it.  i love being in the truck with him alone.  i love to see him in his element and watching him work.  i love that it’s these times that i see him as a man, not just my husband.  he is so smart and sexy and i am a lucky lucky girl. what a great day one!

 

you’re invited to a blogging carnival… and you don’t have to leave the house!

this is an email i received from my sister-in-law elizabeth.  i intend to participate and i wanted to extend the invitation….

Hello [blogging] friends! I don’t know if you know this, but November is National Blog Posting Month, where you commit to posting once a day for a whole month.  I’m pretty sure you can do this any month, but most bloggers I know do it in November. I attempted it last year (and failed) but i found that it was really good for me to write every day…soul-healing, even.  Being the planner that I am, I have been trying to come up with great blog topics to write about, and I had this idea….

Over coffee one afternoon, Jamie and I had an idea to collectively write a book.  Though this hasn’t come into fruition (yet!), we realized how many people we know who are fantastic writers. And today I had the idea that we could start sort of small…as in, one blog post, one day, all writing about the same thing.

Consider this email your official invitation to join us in writing about home.  Interpret that however you want, say whatever you want…there are pretty much no limits to this.  There are a few guidelines, because I need them and maybe you do too.

Guidelines:
1. Let me know if you’re going to join us by November 2.  Just shoot me or Jamie an email so we have an idea of who’s in.
2. Each of our posts will go up November 9.  That’s a Monday, a little over 2 weeks from today.
3. Within the posts (like at the bottom) we will link to each other.  I will send you all an email with everyone’s blog so you can easily include it in your post.
4. If you commit but something comes up and you can’t write it, please let me know so I can take your blog off the list.
5. If you want to forward this email to other people, please feel free.  I think it will be way fun to have more people who will offer perspective!

email me: spencertheduck AT gmail.com

or comment if you wanna join!