school is starting in a few weeks and it’s time to start looking at school supplies.  and while you can find a box of 24 count crayola crayons for 25 cents, two boxes of those plus the other fifteen items on each of the two separate lists adds up to more than just a couple of dollars.  and we don’t spend much on backpacks right now because neither of the boys are ready for an expensive adult size backpack that will last several years so they both need a new one and that’s another 30 bucks.

and school is just the beginning of the list…

the boys need at least one more week of swim lessons before summer is over and that’s not cheap.

plus soccer (deadline for $10 off is today) is $65 per child, assuming i manage to sign them up today.

*children are expensive.

we also have two birthday parties on saturday which won’t cost a ton but we are on a budget here and it’s thinning quickly.

my mother-in-laws bday is in two weeks and my mom’s bday and parents anniversary is a week later.

and not to be selfish but i REALLY REALLY need a hair cut.  and an I.T. band strap.  but i don’t get to come first.  i gave that up the day i got pregnant.

the boys really want to see despicable me and typically we don’t go see movies at the theater because, well, it’s a flippin’ fortune, but i really want to take them to see it.

and honey asked me to save money out of the budget each week for something but i can’t remember what it was.

and let’s not forget that we are still saving for Disney which is going to be a fortune and unlike what seems to be EVERYBODY else, we don’t have rich friends or family offering to take us.  and let’s face it, we just aren’t rich ourselves.

i just spent almost $200 on the dog and i’m not sure i even like that dog.  that’s not true of course but writing the check was painful.

this is why it’s taking us 20 months to save for this trip.

however, on the bright side of things, how lucky am i to have parents and friends to buy presents for?  and how thankful am i that i can provide new school things for my kids and i get to watch them play another season of soccer?  how freakin’ amazing is it that my husband is gonna take a week off, which he hasn’t done since our honeymoon seven years ago, and take us on vacation!!!

i guess what i’m saying is, there’s a lot to complain about (and our finances are always being pulled in a hundred different directions) but at the end of the day we have so much more to be thankful for.

i am actually happy that monday is here.  the weekend was slightly hectic.

friday night we spent some time at Home Depot looking at hardwood flooring, new shutters, a kitchen sink, a new kick plate and door knocker and a few other small things. it’s home improvement time around here.  that was a blast, but we came home to a street full of police cars.  oh joy!  the house three doors down from us was broken in to.   due to my “mild” panic disorder i stayed wide awake on the couch watching movies and pausing the tv every six minutes or so when i was startled by a sound.  at 5 a.m., when the sun finally made it’s appearance, i dragged my sorry butt to bed. i was supposed to get up at 5:45 to run with my trainer but i slept instead. i spent saturday being less anxious.  it turns out they new who broke in and it was just a couple of kids that the owners children new.   so, like i said, less anxious.  so saturday night i decided to take a stab at my six miles i had missed in the morning.  around mile two i noticed a black car creeping past me and then making (what seemed to me as) an intentional turn to creep back up behind me.  so once again my anxiety kicked in.  my heart was pounding and i felt like i was in a movie. i have never run so fast.  my left leg is still aching. i took a cut through a neighbor’s backyard and ran straight home locking the door behind me.

i hate when things like that happen so close to home. i go through every day feeling safe behind my four walls but break ins and what not make me realize that i’m hiding behind a piece of glass.  you can lock your steel reinforced door but it’s only held closed by a wooden two by four. i don’t want to feel like my home is not a safe place.

people say that i should just trust God.  okay, well, God lets bad things happen.  he doesn’t just protect everybody and never let anything bad go down. i can’t just expect that because i believe in Him that i am forever protected by Him.  if you do then you should prepare for disappointment.

enough about my anxiety disorder.

also on saturday, i had to take nate in to the dr because the had an infected bug bite on his thigh.  he had been attacked by chiggers at my sister-in-laws a week ago while riding their zip-line.   the dr. said it needed to be cultured to make sure that it wasn’t mrsa and that a regular anti-biotic could get rid of it.  what she meant by culture was four adults will hold him down to the table and i will use a scalpel to cut a layer of his leg off.  she didn’t mention that i might black out.

i should have known i would get sick.  that’s what happens every time. jonah’s first blood draw. jonah’s and nathan’s first ivs.   one of the flu tests and one of the flu shots.  holding them down completely sucks the life out of me.  it is emotionally and physically draining.  and when it’s over i have to sit with my head between my legs while i drip of sweat.

so, like i said, the weekend was hectic.

fortunately my emotions are back in order and i can go back to a normal fear free life.

so here’s to monday.  thank you for coming. i will try to be more thankful for you from now on.

two days from now my little man will turn six.  and like all of the other birthdays and special events before, i just can’t believe it’s happening.  32 hours i labored with him and all of it seems like a flash in time that i can barely remember yet at the same time feels like it just happened.

he’s a big boy now.

honey has been sick for two days and it’s been pretty sad around here.  last night he came home, ate and passed out by 7.  tonight he came home EARLY (something that rarely happens), slept a bit, ate a bit, and passed out.  i hate when he’s sick.

*time out…. i need to post a list of all the songs nate sings his own words to.  for instance right this second he is singing “in my head, i see so my family” the real words to the Jason Derulo song being “… i see you all over me”.  i may need to better monitor our listening choice in the car.  but he also sings Sean Kingstons “replay“ and says “chinese like a melody in my head”  when it is actually Shawty that is like the melody in Seans head.  i swear i didn’t say a word about what i’m writing and he just started singing “replay”.

back to what i was saying, i don’t like it when michael is sick.  it’s just sad.

the boys started swim lessons and for nate it has been a complete tragedy and he was removed from his class.  jonah is doing great and i see him improving everyday.  both of them, however, will be starting private lessons next week.

“eddie eddie on dro”  yeah, that’s a lady gaga song.

i swear this child NEVER stops singing.  he is exactly like his mother.  at any and every second there is a song playing in the corner of his mind.

i can’t even write a post because he is distracting me with background music.

ME:

i’m still running.  i signed up to train with fleet feet.  it was a little expensive but i think i’m gonna need someone to help keep me on track through the heat this summer.  they actually make a schedule specifically for me and help me with my nutrition.  also, they will watch me run every week and make sure i’m not doing anything that will cause me to injure myself.  i think that i could probably do all of that myself but i am scared that i’m going to hurt myself like last time and i DO NOT want to have to take another five weeks (or longer) off from running.  that was miserable.  my plans to have a really cute color coordinated team for the women’s half didn’t really pan out but that’s okay.  and because i am running the middle half only 3 weeks later i think i’m gonna take the WH slow and easy.  that will be hard i’m sure.

my kids are up way too late so i’m gonna go be a mom now….

i started my spring cleaning over the weekend. i made a list of everything i would have a maid do if i could afford her and started tackling the list myself.  our baseboards are white again.  there is no longer a gray shadow above and below EVERY door knob in the house.  the door and window frames are all like new.  it’s kind of nice and, well, new.  closets and cabinets have been emptied and organized.  kitchen appliances have been freed from food particles and what not.  (the what not scares me)  and now with the paint in the living room, the fireplace stands out like a new piece of art work. i have convinced michael that it will be fine and not the least bit overwhelming to paint the whole rest of the living room this putrid green color and that with a rented twelve foot ladder, i can accomplish the task on my own.

now i just need to find the money to buy paint….???

the fall races are just weeks away now.  like fifteen or something crazy like that.  the women’s half marathon is September 25th.  realizing how close that is also makes me aware that the boys will be back to school before i know it.

Lord, let me savor this summer.

i’m attempting to get a group together to train for the fall races. i have a few girls interested but i think that conflicting schedules could pose a problem.  mostly mine with theirs.  we’ll see.  hopefully training can start this weekend.

keep your fingers crossed.

i do feel, however, that lately it’s been me against THE WORLD!

i feel like, for once i’m not the one being lead by emotions. for once I am not the one feeling empathetic and sad. i’m not the one making decisions based on guilt.

for once, I’m the heartless jackass whose opinions are directly based on black and white, cold, hard facts.

(i could get used to this)

anyway…. still struggling and haven’t quit or been defeated but I see one or the other in my future…..

how do i feel about that? well, how do you think i feel?

i feel out of control. i would rather she not have surgery. i would like her to take an anti-biotic for ten days and not have her organs ripped from her body. i would rather not wait nervously in the waiting room fearing that she is the one of two thousand who has complications. i would rather her just be healthy.

turns out though, i don’t get to choose. i get to accept it. i pray to God that nothing serious ever happens cause i won’t be able to handle it.

so, if you get the chance, please pray for my momma. surgery isn’t scheduled yet but it will be soon.

i have a particularly large inability to refrain from speaking what i think. often this is a “horrible terrible no good very bad” quality (thank you alexander for the perfect description).

my problem lies in an inability to determine when to speak and when not to speak.

with all these inabilities i’m beginning to feel disabled.

on a completely different (but completely relevant in my head) note, i am learning this week that we have absolutely no control over our parents.  they make bad choices, they are set in their ways.  they think they are making good decisions.  we disagree.  and there’s not a thing we can do about it. i think this time in life is a tiny little lesson to prepare me for not getting to control my children when they are in their independent, we know everything, years. i want to tell my parents, “i know you think you are making the right choices but you simply aren’t and if you will just do what i tell you we could all be happy”. i have a feeling that somewhere between 17 and 23 i’m going to say to my children, “i know you think you are making the right choices but you simply aren’t and if you will just do what i tell you we could all be happy”.

i have control issues.

so much is awry at the bratton house right now.  our roles, the business, $$$$, parents, jonah’s inability to be still, need desire for a new house (unfeasible desire #1), disney world (unfeasible desire #2), my stupid broken knee, and the list goes on…..

i feel like i am stressed to the max. i feel like i can’t talk about it because he is stressed to the max.  not talking about it is making us feel distant. i am gonna have to learn to let go.  we have gone through worse than where we are now and we made it.  so why am i getting so wound up in everything that’s “wrong” right now?

crazy girl

gonna try to let go….

well, here’s my 2010 update.

at the end of january i decided that i would attempt to become a runner.   i originally thought that you were either born for it or not but now i think it’s a choice.    i couldn’t run very far or very fast but i tried really hard and pushed myself.  then i recruited my sister-in-law to push me as well.  she’s been running for a couple years now and was just what i needed to help me progress.   i signed up for a 5k (3.1 miles) and ran it in march.  i made a decent time of 33:36  and was satisfied with that.  a week or so later i decided that i would run the country music half marathon in nashville.   that was april 24th.  last saturday.   i actually did all right considering i had only been running for about thirteen weeks.  my knee gave out at mile nine and i had to walk for about a mile but managed to finish in 2:51.  my goal was under 3 so once again, i’m satisfied.

i am working on getting a group of girls together to run the women’s half marathon on september 25th in nashville.  i would like to run it between 2:15 and 2:30.  right now i’m nursing my stupid knee so we’ll see how it goes.

things have been crazy at the house lately. fence season has hit and honey is getting home pretty late these days.  i’m trying to remind myself that i’m not the only one struggling with it and that he isn’t choosing not to come home to  hurt us.  it’s hard to remember that.  once school lets out things will be easier.  it won’t matter what time we eat dinner or when the boys get to bed and if they have to wait up til ten to see dad then they can.  stress relief is on it’s way.

michael’s cousin and his wife are expecting a baby this year and just found out that she (baby charlotte) has spina bifida.  you really should go read this blog.  esther’s strength and faith in God is astounding.  i think little baby charlotte is a lucky little girl.  esther doesn’t deny that she is hurting, but she doens’t blame God and doesn’t question him.   pray for them.

i  promise to continue writing…

i’m gonna try to get back into this blogging thing.  it has definitely been neglected.